The Art and Practice of Listening to Others

“Real listening is a willingness
to let the other person change you.”
Alan Alda

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is a spiritual practice that involves fully engaging with another person or a group of others, giving them your full attention, being present in the moment, and truly listening to what they have to say without judgment or interruption. It is a practice that can deepen our connections with others, cultivate empathy and compassion, and enhance our own personal growth and spiritual development.

Active listening is not just about hearing the words that someone is saying, but also about understanding their emotions, thoughts, and perspectives. It requires us to be fully present and focused on the other person, setting aside our own thoughts, opinions, and distractions. By doing so, we show respect and care for the other person, creating a safe and supportive space for them to express themselves.

I first learned how to truly listen during monthly Sacred Circle meetings formed as part of my training to become a spiritual director. I describe my transformation in my book Surprise Journey: A Spiritual Memoir ( https://www.hearkenbooks.org/books )

“I used a lot of group discussion at (my company) Sociometrics meetings. Staff would go around the room, opining and commenting, agreeing and disagreeing. When I had heard enough to come to a decision, I would stop the discussion, communicate my decision and the reason for it, and move on to the next topic on the agenda.

But Sacred Circle was different. We weren’t allowed to say anything after a person shared, not even confirming or validating comments such as I agree. I feel your pain. I had to go through that exactly two years ago. We weren’t even permitted to approach the person in private, after Sacred Circle, to comment or offer support.

I found these rules challenging at first, as my instincts to opine, comment, agree, disagree, or offer support reared their familiar heads. I was having particular difficulty listening to a woman I will call Abigail. She would inevitably use her three minutes to say the same thing, tying whatever it was she heard earlier in the day to her problems with her husband Ralph. Everything was Ralph’s fault. I started spacing out every time it was Abigail’s turn to speak. My mind would go to what was on the upcoming class agenda or to what I would cook for dinner that evening.

Around Month Three or Four, I realized what was happening, and I decided to change. I started listening actively every time Abigail shared. Now, instead of seeing her as someone to ignore, I saw a troubled soul reaching out in a space in which she felt safe and heard. I felt compassion for Abigail and realized she was no different from all of us, just someone trying hard not to get lost in life’s turmoil.

Abigail helped me get the hang of Sacred Circle. I started to really listen to what was being said, with the full force of my entire being – mind, heart, gut, emotions. I wasn’t diluting the listening energy with my own ego’s needs to judge what was said, or who was saying it, or how to impress with a clever response. Consequently, what was being shared penetrated much more fully. And I felt like I was getting to know this small group of classmates well, like I could see through to their souls, because they had voluntarily opened them up to me.”

The Benefits of Active Listening

There are many benefits to practicing active listening in our daily lives. Listening helps to strengthen our relationships with others. When we actively listen to someone, we show that we value and respect them, which can deepen our connection and trust with them. This can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships, as well as improved communication and understanding.

Active listening also helps to cultivate empathy and compassion. By truly listening to someone and trying to understand their perspective, we can develop a greater sense of empathy for their experiences and emotions. This can help us to be more compassionate and understanding towards others, leading to more harmonious and supportive relationships.

In addition, active listening can enhance our own personal growth and spiritual development. When we practice active listening, we become more aware of our own thoughts, emotions, and reactions, allowing us to reflect on and learn from our interactions with others. Such self-reflection after the active listening session (so as not to detract from the listening itself) can lead to greater self-awareness, self-compassion, and personal growth, as we become more attuned to our own inner experiences and the impact of our interactions with others.

Practicing Active Listening in Daily Life

So, how can we practice active listening in our daily lives? Here are some tips to help you cultivate this important spiritual practice:

1. Be fully present: When engaging with someone, make a conscious effort to be fully present in the moment. Put away distractions such as your phone or other devices and focus your attention on the other person. Show that you are fully engaged by making eye contact, nodding, and using verbal and nonverbal cues to indicate that you are listening.

2. Listen without judgment: Practice suspending judgment and criticism when listening to someone. Instead of jumping to conclusions or forming opinions, try to approach the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to understand the other person's perspective. Remember that everyone has their own unique experiences and viewpoints, and it is important to respect and validate their feelings and opinions.

3. Reflect back what you hear: One way to demonstrate active listening is to reflect back what you hear the other person saying. This can help to clarify their message, show that you are listening and understanding, and encourage them to continue sharing. You can do this by paraphrasing what they have said, asking clarifying questions, or summarizing their main points.

4. Show empathy and compassion: In addition to listening to the other person's words, try to tune into their emotions and feelings. Show empathy and compassion by acknowledging their emotions, validating their experiences, and offering support and understanding. This can help to create a safe and nurturing space for the other person to express themselves and feel heard.

5. Practice active listening in all areas of your life: Active listening is a valuable skill that can be applied in various aspects of your life, not just in one-on-one conversations. You can practice active listening with your family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers. Try it and see what happens!

In conclusion, active listening is a powerful spiritual practice that can deepen our connections with others, cultivate empathy and compassion, and enhance our own personal growth and spiritual development. By being fully present, listening without judgment, reflecting back to the other what we hear, showing empathy and compassion, and practicing active listening in all areas of our lives, we can create more meaningful and fulfilling relationships, develop greater self-awareness and personal growth, and contribute to a more compassionate and understanding world. So, let us commit to practicing active listening in our daily lives, and see the transformative power it can have on ourselves and those around us!

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